Wow, this is scary I'm back online and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I've been struggling for months and it's still not clear what I'm doing but I can't hide anymore. There are so many things happening and not enough time to breath and I couldn't think let alone write a blog post explaining my absence yet again. This is hard and now I have to face the music.
It's fall and I haven't been active since June-- that's tough to say out loud (but your reading it) I'm a mess and on top of all my past struggles new ones came up. No excuses, just stating facts. I've always been harder on myself because it is possible I just don't like when I can't see the finish line.
I'm my biggest hurdle and that explains the inactivity... in my eyes at least. All I can do is talk myself through it day by day. I can do it, might just take a little time. Procrastination: I do this a lot, too much for comfort but I also laugh and explain it away away and it never gets done. I have to believe that I'm not the only one, as if that makes it better when it doesn't. Maybe it was writers block? Can you have that if you don't attempt to write anything? Am I trying too hard? Have I given up too soon without actually seeing true results? Was this a pipe dream?
Questions... a lot of unanswered questions that I still don't have the answer to.
My struggles aren't just my disability and the roadblocks that are in my way because of my condition, it's way more than that.
This summer was hard for me and for a second I thought about letting go and then I realized it's selfish and I knew what I was getting into. Giving up will not be an option because then it was all for nothing.