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The Disappearing Act


I’ve been judging myself because I’m really struggling. I know what I’ve made and I’m grateful— I built this blog. My kyrptonite is the pain and only some days I can overcome it. There is so much self doubt these past few weeks I’m dizzy. Some days, I wonder if I still want this and the answer is always yes but, how long do I have to be strong to hold onto this. My favorite thing to do is share my life on the blog because, someone else could be struggling worse than me. This is my life and it’s not always laughter and fun memories. I have my days where the blog is on the back burner. To be honest, I’m disappointed that I let this pain control my life— I let it determine how the next day was going to go.

WHAT I’M DOING TO HANDLE MY STRUGGLES?

I can’t stop the crazy train but I can learn to keep up...wow is it me or did that sound cheesy? I’m trying to get my life in order so I can continue doing what I love. There was a time when pain was invisible— still there but it was bearable. Boy...do I miss those days. I’ve been trying diffusing oil and massages, along with ice and heat on and off...it works for the most part. The worst part is the spasms something I never see coming and can’t control just yet.

WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO MAKE ME HAPPY GIVEN THE SITUATION I’M IN?

I am happy. I am alive and that’s so much more than I can ask for. Everyday, I lay in my bed and watch life pass me by, I know part of me got use to letting the pain take over it was just easier. But, for now that’s where I’m at pushing through. Okay, enough talking about the one thing that seems to me holding me back is ruining my Fall season. I’m over it.

My Cerebral Palsy will always be apart of me after all I’ve had my whole life to get use to it and continue to live with. Truth be told I need to find a way to take back my life...again with the cliche talk? Really, Chyna? Get it together.

I’m Chyna Stovall, the girl behind the blog. I’m inconsistent when I don’t want to be. I’m difficult, I’m passionate. I’m living with an annoying enemy, I’m misunderstood, I’m happy, I’m sad, I’M HUMAN— one with issues daily. This is me (camp rock reference.)

I don’t know if I will ever fully cope with the things going on in my life, I’m not one to give up though I’ve came close to the line. I feel like no matter how hard I’ve come something will always pull me to steps back. I’m sorry for the disappearing act is wasn’t my intention to leave this in the dark. I value my happiness and before I see that fade away I stopped writing...I stopped dealing with the pressure it was one less on my plate.

In unrelated news...I have some things looking up in the future.

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IT'S BEEN AWHILE BUT CHECK OUT THE PREVIOUS POST

https://www.chynastovall.com/single-post/2018/09/20/My-Hardest-Obstacle-Yet

Twitter: @ChynaMarieeee

Instagram: @chynastovall

Facebook: It's Just Chyna

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